Who's It All About?

This one is for every parent who has a child playing Football. That includes me! Take the time to read this article - we only get one shot at getting it right with our children - they will only play in the Under 12's or Under 16's once in their life. We have to make it as good as we can for them and every other young player. Think of every young player, not just your own, after all, this is a team sport.  Each parent helps the other on this one. The game belongs to them, we are privileged to have them, playing football, helping them enjoy themselves and free to be as good as they want to be. The game belongs to them, not us.

"On the sidelines of youth sports there are often parents who are similarly caught up in the potential accomplishments and achievements of their children. Well-intentioned and often well-educated people rightfully see sports as a vehicle to enhancing the holistic well-being of their kids. However, on the darker side of that coin is often a tendency for parents to live through, or overstate the importance of, their kids' participation and accomplishments which again raises the question of whose needs are actually being met."

Who's It All About? Whose needs are being met in youth sports?


View From the Dugout
A College Coach's Perspective
Published on July 2, 2008
Brian Tompkins is the Head Coach of Men's Soccer at Yale University in New Haven, CT.
 
My daughter is eight years old and, like most kids her age, boundlessly energetic. With a bit of training and practice I believe she could be a pretty good soccer player. The problem is that, in spite of her father's profession and having attended dozens of college games in her life, she doesn't really have any interest in soccer! Her primary pleasures at my team's games are running around, eating pizza and helping our athletic trainer fill water cups. Although she likes it when our team scores, she doesn't really care about the game.

Recently I showed her a flier from our local youth soccer club inviting kids to try out for one of their fall teams and, after fixing me with a look intended to assess my sanity, she blithely dismissed the idea while adamantly informing me that she intends to take a hip-hop dance class this fall!

It would be dishonest to say that I have not allowed myself to fancifully consider the image of my daughter playing in the 2019 Women's World Cup; the indispensable cog on a world championship team, her talents and notoriety known all around the globe, her name mentioned with the same reverence reserved for the great Mia Hamm. Unfortunately it doesn't appear that she is going to choose the road that leads to my vicarious pipe dream and, truth be told, I'm okay with that.
That's not say, however, that I haven't furtively tried to think of ways to subtly persuade, con or even coerce her into it. However, the very thought of such a thing suggests that her becoming good in a sport of my choosing is as much about my needs being met as my daughter's and therein lies a problem.

On the sidelines of youth sports there are often parents who are similarly caught up in the potential accomplishments and achievements of their children. Well-intentioned and often well-educated people rightfully see sports as a vehicle to enhancing the holistic well-being of their kids. However, on the darker side of that coin is often a tendency for parents to live through, or overstate the importance of, their kids' participation and accomplishments which again raises the question of whose needs are actually being met.

The first thing to go is usually objectivity. Sports by their very nature are competitive and conflictual and present young people with opportunities to deal with varying degrees of struggle and adversity. My observation has been that, with allowance for the expected occasional temper tantrum or flare-up, kids in youth sports generally handle themselves quite well. That is not always true of the parents who, being protective creatures, don't like to see their kids "suffer" from perceived bias, foul play by opponents or unfair treatment from game officials and those hair-trigger events can lead to lost composure and objectivity .

It is always somewhat telling to witness an embarrassed youngster turn to the sidelines during a game and tell their parent to be quiet or calm down and in essence suggest that "this isn't about you."

Perhaps the hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars spent by parents, along with the missed work time and other sacrifices, entitles them to feel they should have a say in what goes on during competition. Perhaps it's the feeling of legacy, the following in the footsteps and passing down of a family tradition of playing a particular sport. Perhaps it's no legacy at all and merely a vicarious thrill for non-athletic parents blessed with a talented kid. Perhaps it's envy.

What is clear is that it's natural for parents to want to see their kids do well and have our protective urges called to the fore whenever they compete or perform. Being concerned, vociferous and excitable do not equate to bad parenting.

However, when parental conduct gets to the extreme of baiting officials and opponents, sometimes to the point of violence; endlessly crying foul over perceived mistreatment; badgering coaches about playing time; questioning tactics and team management and making wholesale "Jekyll and Hyde" personality changes from calm mother or father to crazy zealot on the sidelines, then we have to wonder who it is really all about.

I retain a glimmer of hope that my daughter will spontaneously develop a burning desire to play soccer but realize that it will be her choice and on her terms. Until then I will work on what it means to be (and how to live vicariously as) an objective, appropriately-involved hip-hop dance dad!