Some Advice For Dealing With Parental Complaints

Sourced from  http://www.footy4kids.co.uk/


I coach a young Futsal team, all the boys are from the same school and the abilities vary enormously.
They are all good lads. We have only trained so far and our first game is this week. The boys are keen and train hard. Everything Ok so far - or so I thought!

Just when you think its going well, a parent gives you a ring and does a heartfelt downlaod on how unhappy her boy is at the moment and the other boy(s) criticising him because he isn't  a good player, and of course - its all awful, they are not putting up with it and what am I (coach) going to do about it. Hmmmm!

I try to explain that the situation she has just recounted to me did not happen as she described it, I was there, neither her or her husband attended and in Futsal you are close enough to hear just about everything at training. She reminds me that her son is "not a very good player" and "makes lots of mistakes". I try to explain to her that while her boy is not very strong technically, in this case the weakest in the group, he trains well, is very well behaved and is getting better. I also remind her that bridging large technical deficiencies will take a lot of time and practice, much more than he will get from me in one season, so its best to reconcile herself to that now and appreciate the forward progress when it happens and keep him playing. I go on to say that while the siutation was nothing like the one she described, the thing that mattered is why and how her son feels as he does at the moment and what we can do about it. She agrees, but not happy, still feeling that her son is on the     receiving end of what I suggest to her can only be described (were it true) as Bullying. Just didnl;t happen, but I know for certain that we are a long way from home on this one.
I remind her that the game is not played in silence, that the boys all make plenty of mistakes in training and will make plenty every game, and that they do express their exasperation with themselves and about each other when they are playing or training. Players have expectations of each other. In my view it is withing reasonable bounds. No good though, she is back on how awful things were at training for her son.
I try in vain to tell her that what was said to her son by other players at training was not significant nor unusual nor more so than the others. I feel I have failed to make my point. This is not what this parent wants to hear - but what do they want? I ask her or her husband to come to training as observe it for themsleves - other parents do when time permits! No response.
I take another tack. I say that if she can accept that the level of commentary directed at her son by any other player (and in total) was neither unreasonable nor excessive, then what we are dealing with is her son's concern that he feels he is not as competent as other players. Its how he sees it at the moment.  If he feels this way, we must deal with it, but deriding the other boy(s) and suggesting that my coaching allowed or enabled it to happen, is both incorrect and in this case unhelpful.  
The parent responds by saying that he son had a dreadful football season and in her view, "for all the same reasons". Hmmm! There is some baggage here. Ok I say to myself, lets get this to a place where I can assist the boy, because the thought that he will feel misreable during the Futsal season is not acceptable.
I also remind her that the more experienced players are "competitive". I coach to "develop", and leave the "winning" to them when they play. I make the point that these young players are all very hard trainers and play the way they train. I close by saying that this is a team environment and her boy has joined a group of lads who, while they are certain not to the best team, will be competitive and their experience in the game so far has taught them what is needed to "win". I say to her that this is healthy, there is nothing wrong with a good work ethic and we must ensure her son becomes part of that environment and not allow himself to be cast as a "victim" because he feels he is not as comnpetent as other players.
As I listened to this concerned parent, I remind myself that the father of this lad was a serial pest on the sideline in football this season past. I had a coaching support role from the school in football and dealt with the team and coach the boy had this season. I recall (to myself only), how I had to reprimand the father for "inappropraite coaching" on the sideline (several times) and on one occassion for abusing a young refs assistant because he felt the offisde call was wrong. I can only imagine the talk on the drive home. I wonder to myself if this father (or indeed the mother) has ever asked himself how his son feels about his conduct. I know the answer is no, my experience is they never do. I can think all this but can't say it to this concerned parent (mother) on the phone.
The discussion ended amicably, but I feel certain that it will surface again.
Obviously the boy is distressed because he feels he is not as good a player as some of the others. I can do some things to make him feel more at ease. I know I can speak to two of the experienced players (very responsible boys) and enlist them to assist him feel good about his contribution as the season unfolds. Peer group support works well if done well. I can make some adjustments without appearing over concerned to the other boys. I reckon the boy is strong enough to go past this problem, he never misses training, works hard in training and never complains at training and that all counts for a lot. It will take time and I don't want him to stop playing. As to the parents, well, that's a work in progress. Sometimes its like that!
So I rang a couple of coaches I know and did a bit of reading. It doesn't matter how many times over thte years you encounter this kind of situation involving parents, its always difficult and worrying. You can never be complacent. But it can take the gloss off coaching and that's just not fair to all the other young players. Here is something I found that is useful.



Some Advice For Dealing With Parental Complaints
Almost every parent occasionally disagrees with your decisions as a coach (whether or not you hear about it). Usually, the parent is simply putting the interests of the child first - and seeing things from the child's point of view. Most parents don't complain, and are more likely to leave the team if they are unhappy with how things are handled. So, it is good to have parents who will bother to give you feedback (even if it can be painful to hear). Most of the time, this feedback is well-intentioned - and the parent simply wants an explanation for what has happened or wants to offer some suggestions about alternate ways to do things. Most of the time, this advice is well-intentioned (and the parent had no desire whatsoever to take over the team - or to try to order you around).
 

Most parents have 2 objectives when they sign the child up: for the child to succeed and for the child to be happy. If you praise the child in front of the parent, you can rest assured that the child will give you a big grin - and you earn points in both columns. Do this as often as you can - and you will keep gripes to a minimum. Any time that you start resenting the time that it takes to give this positive feedback, tell yourself that you could easily be spending double this time - and a lot less happily - talking to just one upset parent! In short, a good coach makes the parents believe that they have wonderful, successful and happy offspring - which causes the parents to believe that the coach must be an absolutely brilliant judge of children.

But, of course, you cannot please all of the people all of the time - and you may end up with a complainer or advice-giver despite your best efforts. If this happens, listen briefly to find out what the problem is, then schedule a time to talk about it. NEVER discuss any serious problem right before a practice (or right before a game). You have work to do, and don't need the distractions (and certainly don't need to be upset yourself if any harsh things are said). Furthermore, if the parent is really upset, you don't want any confrontation to occur in front of your players or other parents. So, set the discussion for the end of practice - or schedule a time to call the parent later (if this is something where the child does not need to hear the conversation).

NEVER discuss any problems or complaints right after a game. If a parent comes to you with a complaint right after a game, make up any excuse that you can and get out of there. Usually, these complaints come after a hard game and a hard loss, when everyone is upset. Give everyone time to cool off - so that things are not said which are regretted later.

When you do talk to the parent, listen carefully to the parent's problem. Be calm. Try to get them to see things from your point of view. If at all possible, lavish some praise on the child during the meeting (remember parental objectives). Try to verify their reports that the child is unhappy (for instance, some parents want their child to be the goal-scoring star, while the child truly is happiest as a keeper or sweeper). Volunteer to have a meeting with them and the child to talk about the situation. If the child truly is upset (for instance, he wants to be a forward, while you have rotated him to the back because he sorely needs to develop some defensive skills), talk about why you think that this is best. Usually you will be able to resolve complaints by open communication, and a calm approach to the problem.

However, some parents simply will not be satisfied, no matter what you do. This happens quite commonly with parents who were athletes, and ended up with non-athletic children, where it is easier to cast blame than to face reality about the child's lack of talent. If it is clear that you are not getting anywhere, suggest that you set up a joint meeting with Club officials to talk about the problem. In the meantime, call the Club to give them a "heads-up" that they might hear from this parent, if it appears that the parent is truly irate.

If worse comes to worse, take heart that "parents-from-hell" tend to stick around for only a short time. Usually, you will find that they have been very unhappy with every coach whom their child has ever had - so they go back in the pool every season. In fact, don't be surprised if, when you call the Club, you hear a large sigh come out of the phone - along with a comment of "Oh, no. Not them again."